Why I Fear Cameras

Ringtones, audio and video calls make me anxious and taking pictures is a no-no! I just don't like seeing my face, looking at my pictures and hearing my voice. I don't have a good reason as to why I've struggled so much with a camera or answering a simple phone call.

All I know is that it kept me from pursuing opportunities or meeting goals all my life and at the beginning of my career. Planning "coffee chats" or "hopping on a Twitter space" were things I never saw myself doing. I swore I'd never do what scares me but here I am, writing a blog about my first YouTube video.

I Want A YouTube Channel

How would it work? Fear of a camera and having a YouTube channel? It absolutely can co-exist. After years of saying I don't want to have any video-related content, I had a change of confidence at the beginning of May. Notice I said confidence, not mind?

As much as I don't like to see my face or hear my voice. I've always known that I'd like to get myself out there somehow and share my knowledge with developers outside of written content. The only thing that was stopping me was my confidence and most especially my self-criticism.

I find it hard to believe that I am good at something. I find that even after all I've created and built with CSS and Tailwind CSS, I'm not knowledgeable enough. Will people even watch my videos? Won't my accent turn them away? Or maybe the lack of explaining things in a clear, understandable way? Because, heck, I'm still figuring out the correct English and technical terms.

But you know what helped? I asked myself if I have something to lose. The answer: NO.

Tailwind CSS Helped Me Face My Fear

I have nothing to lose, but all to gain.

That did it for me. What else helped me? Not everyone is good with CSS! Not everyone enjoys working with it, exploring it or genuinely finds it fun and exciting! Almost every time I'm on Twitter, my timeline is filled with tweets like:

1. CSS IS HARD...

2. CSS IS SO FRUSTRATING...

3. JavaScript Over CSS...

I thought, "I can teach people my way and show them how fun CSS can be from my perspective" and "I wish I was taught this concept this way, maybe I can do that"! Of course, I'm not a walking CSS encyclopedia nor do I know everything there is with CSS. My knowledge of CSS and Tailwind CSS gave me the confidence to base my YouTube channel to be mainly on CSS content.

My video would cover topics like, what is Tailwind CSS, what are the cons and pros, the best way to learn it and building a landing page to practise our newfound knowledge.

But what about the criticisms I gave myself? I don't know about you but the best teachers on YouTube are those of an accent different from my own. I accepted that my accent nor my English level is a sign of intelligence. I speak 6 languages, whereas there are people who only speak one. That is something to be proud of, not ashamed of.

Uploading my First YouTube Video

I almost didn't go through with it!

I almost wished I didn't post the tweet! I don't know what it is but one minute I was like, "Yes, I'm doing this" to "This is a mistake". But Francesco encouraged me so much through my tweets and told me not to wait and just to start! And that I did.

I designed my first YouTube thumbnail using Canva. Then I reached out to the Twitter community on what changes I can make to my thumbnail because I'm a huge advocate for asking for feedback and suggestions. Otherwise, how else would I grow? The community was so supportive and took their time to respond and offer improvements.

In the meantime, the recording was going well. I had over a million takes, failed "opening introductions", deletes and "What do I say again" and "How do I forget to say what I know" moments. I've had great laughs and all. I just had to share my bloopers, and snippets of the tutorial with the community to see the behind-the-scenes before the final product and to drive anticipation.

When it was time to upload the video, I felt a bit anxious. How would people react? Will someone be unfriendly in the comments? Would I be made fun of? I know women in tech have it hard in the industry, not only in person but electronically too. Especially of my race. What do I do and how would I react if I get negative feedback?

Well, I know I have people who got my back and their support is the only thing that matters to me. If anything happens, I know they'll be there for me as much as I'll be there for them.

So, goals? I'd like to at least reach 100 views and gain 50 subscribers! In terms of likes, I felt 20 likes was modest enough for me. That was the most ambitious and realistic goal I had. This is YouTube we're talking about.

My Expectations Were Exceeded

Immediately after I uploaded my video and shared a tweet about it, I went offline.

The anxiety was too much to handle. I ignored to check my Twitter notifications, which have always been muted, and to check my YouTube studio for analytics!

The thoughts that went into my mind were: "What if I got 0 views?" or "What if no one likes my tutorial?". I watched Ugly Betty and slept my anxiety off. The next day, it was a confrontation of my fears!

Checked my Twitter notifications: 700+ likes on my post announcing the upload of my first YouTube channel. The comments? Way better than I expected. "What took you so long?", "I'm learning Tailwind CSS now, I can't wait to watch this", "Congrats, Trecia! Excited for you", and "Love your background". All very nice 👀 But remember, this is the Twitter post. How did the YouTube video itself perform?

What! 200+ subscribers in the first 10 hours since the video has been uploaded? 90+ likes? 50+ comments? This was so much better than I expected! The comments were filled with support and love for my video. I saw my Twitter friends and they showed up and supported me, which I will forever be grateful for.

But to everyone else who watched my video and supported me, I will always appreciate you! You have no idea what your support means to me and my imposter syndrome. I've received DMs and shoutouts from people for my video, declaring it as very detailed and hands-on learning they needed.

Just in one day, I gained 300+ subscribers. My video today stands at 1K views and 150+ likes in 7 days!

What Now

I am excited to record more!

Can you believe it? I can't. If you told me 2 years ago that I'd have a YouTube channel where I teach, share my knowledge and show my face, I would have given you a side eye 👀 But I am excited. I have a new video coming out: 3 Ways To Make CSS Fun!

I look forward to creating a lot of content around CSS, Tailwind CSS and sharing my knowledge on other aspects of my tech career. Such as being a self-taught developer and perhaps creating a series on that. Also interviewing developers and creating a series: Trecia Talks CSS with... where every guest vents about their CSS journey.

Finally, I'd like to do a dedicated series for "Debug CSS With Me" where I get people to share their GitHub repos and fix the issues at hand, so open source videos in a way. All these things in due time, of course. I don't want to burn myself out. They are just a peak of what I'm looking forward to doing with my YouTube channel.

Living With The Fear

Ringtones, audio and video calls still make me anxious and taking pictures is still a no-no! I still don't like seeing my face, looking at my pictures and hearing my voice.

Yet I look forward to doing what makes me scared! I look forward to growing my YouTube channel and video presence throughout different media. Why? I enjoy sharing my knowledge, teaching and helping out developers achieve their goals with CSS and all things web development.

My enjoyment fuels my fear into excitement. I still do get nervous, I still do get anxious on video calls, Twitter spaces, and podcasts. Overall, things that have to do with "people" give me social anxiety.

But you know what, I've had a lot to gain since I've faced my fear and I never let opportunities pass me by... again.